Casino Royale

Bond is back with fury, this time fighting a euro-type insider trader, exploiting guerilla terrorists for useable stock futures despite perpetual bleeding from his eye. Bond is completely fucking superhuman, a master of Texas Hold-em, has muscles growing off muscles most people don't even have in the first place, and totally bloodthirsty. He kills so many people, and with such introverted glee. Then he goes back to the Texas Hold-em table wearing a new shirt. Like we wouldn't notice. Oh, but the bad guy notices. It's really just a re-hash of Batman Begins. Expository prequel that deals with subject's inability to reconcile the brutality and isolation required by his position, deals with it, realizes there's nothing to be done about it. Only this time there's Texas Hold-em.

Personally, I like the premise. Humanity versus professionalism, or something.

Casino Royale, though, loses points for many reasons. It'll probably surpass Die Another Day for top-grossing Bond flick, justifiably, but shouldn't we start judging by different terms, considering tickets cost 5 times what they used to, and inflation, and all that? 1965's Thunderball sold twice the number of tickets, but for only 2 dollars a pop! It's silly, back to the movie.

For one, Texas Hold-em is a stupid game. There, I said it. I'm saying right now that the minute it hit ESPN it became stupid and I'm god-damn sick of it. Don't see Casino Royale unless you want to watch an hour of Texas fuckin Hold-em. The plot is not good, and the climax hinges on whether Bond can win at poker.

Daniel Craig's pretty good as Bond. I can't give up on my man, though. Connery may have been the original, but Pierce Brosnan was always my fave. Also, from the very beginning, I desperately wanted to be able to call it "Royale with Cheese," but alas, there is a point of light. This is not a cheesy film.