Switzerland Follows Suit; Files Suit

Associated Press

Thursday morning's response by the Swiss government to an American lawsuit bucks a trend nearly two centuries in the making. Johnson and Johnson, one of the United States' most enduring mega-corporations and friend to smooth-skinned babies all over the world, has filed suit against the American Red Cross for gross violation of a longstanding trademark agreement. Both organizations use a red symbol of a cross on products and official stationary, and for years have abided peacefully according to an 1895 writ.

"Our official statement?" remarks Gerthe Feiner, a spokesman for the 12-member Swiss government, "Fuck the both of them. We're going for the jugular." The position is a remarkable contrast to the longstanding trend of Swiss neutrality. "For years," states Feiner, "We've been international pawns, known only vaguely throughout the world for cheese and various chocolate products, perhaps a watch here and there." Switzerland has filed an international damages case against Johnson and Johnson, the American Red Cross, and even the United States government itself, citing from such monumental establishments as the Geneva Convention and the Lanham Act.

Switzerland's national flag is a white cross symbol on a red background. American response has been one of mild indifference. Columbia Professor Michael Dorf published in his Dorf on Law blog it's unlikely that "...the disqualification for national flags contains an implicit corollary applicable to dyslexics."

Feiner's response? "We smell cash, we're going after it. The Center for Consumer Research (CCR) estimates Johnson and Johnson's earnings since 1895 [the first year the symbol was used] to be a little over 10 trillion dollars." According to CCR statistics, over the same period of time the American Red Cross profit is estimated to be about zero. Says Feiner, "Either way you slice it, 10 trillion could still buy a lot of schnitzel."

Switzerland has pledged to see the case through until the end, and has even threatened deploying an appropriately-armed Swiss Army should the need arise. The purpose would be, presumably, to demonstrate the use of the cross symbol on the base of the knives.